After Vice President Kamala Harris announced she was running for president, one criticism lobbed against her was that she is not a parent because she has never given birth to children. But she is the stepmother to her husband Doug Emhoff's two children.
I am no longer in a relationship with his father and have been in a new relationship for four years. My wife came into my son's life when he was 6 years old and quickly stepped into a parental role. It was a role she enthusiastically took on.
Although she didn't give birth to my son, my wife is absolutely his second mother.
My son and wife's relationship started friendly
My wife didn't immediately take an authoritative role or force him to treat her like a parent. At first, she was more like a grown-up friend — someone he knew he needed to respect, but someone who would take him on drives to get ice cream or let him pretend to drive her car while I was inside the grocery store.
I was worried about parenting with another person all the time. As the primary parent, I wasn't used to dividing parenting duties. My wife was aware of that and always deferred to me as the primary parent.
But the bond between my son and my wife was instant. He had never met someone I was dating before, but he liked her immediately.
My wife has taken on more responsibility as a stepmom
Over the last four years, she's taken on more parental responsibility but never tried to act like she was more of a parent than myself or my son's father. She is a bonus mom, someone there to kiss him goodnight, help him with his homework, and love him unconditionally.
During the pandemic, my wife volunteered to take the lead in helping my son with virtual school so I could focus on work. She created a schedule for him, made him lunch, and ensured he kept up with assignments. When the playgrounds opened, she would take him to play, armed with a backpack full of whatever was needed.
I have gone on several overnight trips, leaving the two of them alone together. My son doesn't even call or text me when I'm gone because he's having so much fun hanging out with my wife. I never have to worry about him; I know my wife will make sure he takes a bath and goes to bed on time.
There are days when I will ask her to tag in and do the bedtime routine because I'm working or want a break, and she does it without question. My son knows that if he needs something, he doesn't have to come to me all the time.
Seeing my wife willingly step into a parental role with my son has strengthened our relationship. I knew I loved her almost immediately after we met, but seeing how my son responded to her made me more secure in my decision.
Sometimes, she still refers to him as mine, and I always remind her that she's his mom, too. We do everything as a team: school meetings, performances, birthday parties. Everyone knows us as his two moms, and there's no one else I could imagine doing this with.
My son now sees my wife as the missing piece to our family puzzle. He proudly claims her as his other mom.
"You're my mom too," my son will say when my wife calls herself his stepmom. He made that decision. My wife never wanted to force a close relationship on him, but he pushed for it.
Media has warped the perception of stepmoms
Popular media depictions of stepmoms are largely negative. The common trope is that they're evil.
For example, you have characters like Meredith Blake in the Lindsay Lohan version of "The Parent Trap," the Baroness von Schraeder in "The Sound of Music," and, of course, the prototype: Cinderella's Evil Stepmother.
These women are always seen as temptresses who come in and seduce the father into marrying them before revealing they intend to get rid of his daughter so that she will be the only woman in his life.
Maybe there are stepmoms out there who fit this description, but by and large, stepmoms are there to be whoever their step kids want them to be.
I know that's exactly the role my wife plays, and my son and I are all the more lucky for it.
FAQs
Your wife should always come first. When we make the decision to get married, we become one flesh. We leave our mothers and fathers and join our spouses (Ephesians 5:31).
What is stepmom syndrome? ›
Stepmom Outsider Syndrome is, in short, when you feel like you don't belong. Like you're on the outside looking in – with your own family.
When a stepmother is overstepping her boundaries? ›
The Impact of Stepparents Overstepping Boundaries
When their boundaries are violated, children tend to feel isolated, controlled, and in turn, angry. They might become more oppositional and display defiant or aggressive behavior, or they might internalize the pain and become depressed or closed off5.
What relation is my son's wife's mother to me? ›
Mothers-in-law
A mother-in-law is the mother of a person's spouse. Two women who are mothers-in-law to each other's children may be called co-mothers-in-law, or, if there are grandchildren, co-grandmothers.
Who is priority, mother or wife? ›
Both are important ,treat both well,as per my view mother is to be given high importance coz she is the one who brought U in the world and wife is to be given high regard coz ,she is the one who leaves her family and enters your life. Each in their own time.
Who is the first priority after marriage? ›
In a marriage with children, it may seem counterintuitive to not put the kids first, says psychologist Yvonne Thomas. "However, it's actually healthier to make your spouse the first priority." This is because it benefits all of your family members.
What should a stepmother never say? ›
"Go ahead, call me Mom!"
You're not their mother, and you never will be. They're conflicted enough, and pushing them to use a mom-name will only confuse them more. Corollary: "We're going to be one big, happy family!" You might eventually become the happiest of stepfamilies, but it won't happen overnight.
What are stepmom boundaries? ›
Many families set a stepparent boundary where the stepparent avoids disciplining altogether. The biological parent sets the rules and makes sure their children follow them, at least at the beginning. Your stepchildren probably won't see you as an authority figure until you establish a trusting relationship with them.
What is the evil stepmother syndrome? ›
The symptoms include: preoccupation with position in the family, feelings of anxiety, rejection, ineffectiveness, guilt, hostility and exhaustion, loss of self-esteem and overcompensation.
What is a toxic stepparent behavior? ›
"Toxic step-parent behavior includes favoritism, manipulation, or excessive control. These actions can harm the child's well-being and strain family relationships. Healthy communication, mutual respect, and setting clear boundaries are essential to avoid toxic behaviors and promote a nurturing family environment."
Disengaging requires you to relinquish your role as primary parent so that you can build a relationship with you stepchildren before trying to parent them. For this to happen, your spouse must take on the role of primary parent.
Can I sue my stepmother for emotional distress? ›
Yes, if a family member's actions have caused you emotional distress in a manner that has significantly impacted your life, you may be able to sue them for the emotional distress you are suffering or have suffered.
What does a mother call her sons wife? ›
Navigating Your Relationship with Your Daughter in Law
Get to know her as a person – not just as your son's wife. Treat her as your own daughter, but you'll never be her mom. You'll have a different relationship with her, and it can still be great.
What is it called when a mother and son have a relationship? ›
Summary. Emotional incest, or covert incest, happens when a parent or caregiver relies on a child for emotional needs that an adult relationship would usually provide. They may behave like the child is a love-life partner. Emotional incest is not the same as physical incest because it does not include sexual abuse.
Do I have to let my mother-in-law see my child? ›
You're under absolutely no obligation to allow your mother in law, or whoever the problem person is, to see the children while they're under your care and supervision. If you tell her that, it's completely fine. That's not to say that it still wouldn't make for a particularly stressful situation.
Who has more right, mother or wife? ›
Who comes first, the mother or the wife? Many others believe it's your mother because she gave birth to you, and heaven is at her disposal. However, the truth is that both have equal rights. Wife and Mother can never be compared, as the love you have for your mother are very different from that of your wife.
Why does the wife come first? ›
Interestingly, research shows that putting your spouse first provides the security, comfort, and stability that helps children thrive. And, when couples put each other first, it sets the stage for a fantastic relationship where each person feels loved, supported, and secure.
Should your spouse be your first priority? ›
After marriage, your spouse generally becomes your top priority, symbolizing the commitment and partnership you've agreed to nurture. This doesn't mean neglecting other relationships but rather balancing them with the primary focus on supporting and building a life with your partner.
Does the wife name come first? ›
Addressing a Couple
NOTE: Traditionally, a woman's name preceded a man's on an envelope address, and his first and surname were not separated (Jane and John Kelly). Nowadays, the order of the names—whether his name or hers comes first—does not matter and either way is acceptable.
